November 1st, 2008 Just thought I'd share an random entry from my journal

Well, like wisely... so much for family. My oldest sister, Kelly, she's been here since September and well, I've gotten the thought that she is my ticket out of this hellhole, but apparently, her fiance's parents are supposed to be looking for a place for them in Philadelphia until they get their own place. Once that happens, I'm stuck here AGAIN for the "fifteen hundredth" time.

What is so wrong that I can't even take my own life? I've tried slicing my wrist open plenty of times and more, I even pushed down hard as hell to the point where's that I could feel the pain while doing so. I went fast and I went slow, but the outcome is always the same. No scar, no nothing, not even a single drop or sight of blood. I HATE living. Between writing this shit and thinking about it makes me want to burst out in tears.

Wendy thinks that she's going to keep me here likw a prisoner, she'd better think again. Kelly on the otherhand, I'd love the thought of her taking me in, so comes the time I get back onto my feet and well, basically get out in the world. I really don't like thinking about it because I love my niece, Callise to death and want to play every part of it. I don't want to miss a single event. It already came down to the fact that I baby herr but, I wouldn't say that. It's called being an uncle. In my case, one of the best.

I no longer want to be the outsider, but it's permanent. A permanent characteristic, personalized with pain, and sorrow, endlessly.

"Moments of dejection drops us into a pool of loneliness
The soul pulls back, and mourns alone. Nothing seems to hold against the drop,
and yet, everything counts for nothing.
We feel ourselves curiously depersonalized, very far away. Exiled.
No connection anywhere. The spirit of loneliness has taken over.
We have become mere numbers, isolated with an emotion,
symptomatic of victimization.
We are victims of a wrong way of life."

There is no simple word of defining me but there is a name.... Aria Of Sorrow. That's my name.