PRELUDE TO DREAMS Story

It is said that our dreams, no matter how bad or good... that they can predict the future. I remember this one, beautiful dream, and a girl that I fell deeply in love with.

I didn't want to wake up from such a dream. All I wanted to do was go back into my deep slumber and dream again...

...I wanted to see her again.

CHAPTER ONE - THE EXISTENCE OF LOVE PART ONE

Author: Arinori-Endo "Vernon"
Genre: Drama, Action, Mystery

There it is, a huge field, that I'm suddenly standing before and three path ways, but... I don't know which one to take. I'm not close to any of them so, I've got enough time to think about it.

"What am I doing here anyway, I could dream up something better than this but, we'll just see what happens. Like always."
There is a girl, standing right in front of me. I don't know whether to look up at her or just keep going. Gosh, I wonder sometimes why I shy away too much.
"Alright, it can't be helped. I have to look up, or else, I'll regret it later on."
And so I took my eyes and my head away from the ground to look up at this girl who is standing in my path, when suddenly, I just couldn't move a muscle. I stood there... paralyzed. My reason? This beautiful girl that is standing before me with that beautiful smile.
"I wonder who she is. I can't look away... oh no! I can feel my heart pounding but, I don't know what it's trying to tell me right now."
That feeling I felt, like my heart just kicked me right in the chest... it was my heart telling me that I have fallen in love again, but this time, inside of a dream. It wants me to make a move, but, I can't. That smile is so mesmerizing that I've been put in some kind of trance. But now, she's coming towards me.
"Aw man, what am I going to do? She's coming right to me. And look, she's still smiling. Does she know me?"

She stopped in front of me, and now, we're standing face to face. That smile seems to be going away and it looks like she's about to speak.
"Can I see your hand?" She said it so sweetly. I couldn't resist, I pulled my right hand out of my pocket instead of the hand I write with and held it out for her. "Here, hold on to mine, let's take a walk."
"Sure, but which way?" I said in a choking manner. I was so shocked by what just happened so fast, and I was kinda happy. She looked at the paths and said, "There is three, what do you think that they mean?" I got a clue, "The one on the left looks to small, so I'm guessing that only one of us can walk it. The one on the right looks a little wide, but we'd be too bunched up, th..." "Ooh, I like the one on the right. We'd be closer together, sorry for interrupting."
"I'd love that but, we would stumble as we walk. It's alright, I'll allow interruptions."
"If we stumble, then that means you'll have to carry me, teehee"
"I really wouldn't mind that. I'd love to carry you in my arms."

And there it was, she had me blushing. She stopped me from explaining the paths to my best but, I didn't care. When I looked beyond each path, it looked like there was nothing there to begin with. But, before I could make one sound, this beautiful girl put her finger upon my lips.

"I don't normally ask this but, what's your name?" She shooshed me, and turned to face me again. I couldn't help but smile. I ignored the fact of how weird this whole dream was but, she smiled again, with that glimmer in those beautiful eyes, and those cheeks, and well, all I can say is, I've dreamed the perfect dream and I don't want to wake up from it, ever.
But, what's this, she's wrapping her arms around me. And now, I'm sleepy. She's so warm, I feel like I'm going to die in her arms. I hugged her back. It was a jerk reaction that I couldn't control.
"What's the meaning of all of this, dear?" "Just close your eyes and you will see."
I did exactly that, and for about three whole minutes, I was in complete darkness. It felt like hours.
Just so suddenly, I felt lips touch my cheeks and then my lips, and when I opened my eyes again, the scenery changed and we were standing in a moonlit flower garden, next to a cherry blossom, falling with leaves, and white feathers flowing in the wind. Our lips were locked, sealed together. Kissing in the beautiful breeze, when suddenly...

"Vernon, wake up!"
Was I still dreaming or what?
I woke up, sweating. My lips were sealed to the pillow and...
"WHAT! A pillow? No... I can't be awake already." It was my brother, standing before before at the foot of the bed. "Yes, a pillow. What else? Get up already." "Yeah, and he was kissing it, hahahaha!" Oh no, and my baby sister too? This day isn't going to be good at all.
"Oh, and it was such a good dream too." "So, who was it, who was in it, teeheehee." My baby sister, she's twelve and well, my brother, only younger than me by two years. "Do you really wanna know?" She responded with a quick, "No, not really."
There you have it, my brother and sister, sitting there in my room, watching Ninja Warrior on G4. That show never gets old. I felt my heart kick me again, but later on in the day, or should I say afternoon. I was left feeling depressed about the dream. She was so beautiful. And yet, seemed so perfect for me. Maybe I will get to see her again, but, what if she is someone that I will see in the next life. I don't doubt that at all.
So, I got out of bed, my pillow drenched with sweat. I ran downstairs quickly for a bite to eat, to fight off this depression. Some left over spaghetti from last night.
"You were sleep for a long time. What's wrong?" That was my mother. Surprisingly but, knowingly, I sensed her presence. "Oh, nothing." I said with a smile. "I had a good dream. I didn't want to wake up from it." "It must've been that good of a dream for you to be sleeping that long." I said nothing, I just smiled and laughed. "That's a lot of spaghetti, are you depressed? What's wrong? I'm your mother, you're supposed to be telling me this stuff." "It's nothing. I just want to go back to sleep, that's all." I kept the smile on my face but, it got small. "That really must have been a good dream, hahaha."
This led to having a long conversation about dreams, I didn't tell her mine. Her dream was pretty interesting, which led me to tell her... "They say that our dreams predict things." I just left it at that, and she said, "In my dream, I dreamt about babies, and one of them was your sister." I laughed and she continued, "while you were sleep, I don't know if you heard me or not but, I called her and was like, YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT ARE YOU?"
That was pretty funny. I couldn't help but continue on with the laughter, but the bad thing is, she was pregnant. This was my older sister, my oldest and closest sister already had her children, about three of them. As for the older one, this would be her second. It's too early to get into names, so, you'll know them later on.
So, mother went upstairs and we parted ways. I sat down at the table and ate my brunch, watching Cow and Chicken on Cartoon Network when suddenly, I went into a daze. This time I could only hear voices and everything was pitch black and dark. I was disappointed that this dream girl wasn't there, but, maybe in another dream.

This was, of course, proof of the existence of love and a next coming that some day, I'd get to see her. Well, all we can do is wait and see what will happen next.

Something did alright...

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!!!*

There was a knock at the door. I wonder who it could be...

TO BE CONTINUED...

When The Storm Subsides

Mood: deeply within sorrow

I've been driving through these nights
This road reminding me of all I am
As time drags on, these windows fade
Reality starts slipping from my mind

All I know is this all fades, the second that I'm by your side
Can this be real, can this be fate?

Just say that you'll be there for me
Please say that you'll be there
Just say that you'll be my side
When the storm subsides

All these years beneath the skin
Everything inside me turning to shame
I was lost, but now I can see
This fate is turning deep inside of me

All I know is this all fades, the second that I'm by your side
Can this be real, can this be fate?

Just say that you'll be with me
Please say that you'll be there
Just say that you'll be my side
When the storm subsides

my playlist

http://music.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=music.singleplaylist&friendid=61448586&plid=596475http://music.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=music.singleplaylist&friendid=61448586&plid=596475">http://music.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=music.singleplaylist&friendid=61448586&plid=596475>

Females of Jrock playlist by vjsama

Link

Blind Revelation

Mood: Depressed

Listening to: Head Phones President - Star

Sitting here, lonely

Inside of this small, white room again

Looking at the world as it pass me by

I see myself inside you

I stand and stare with my eyes so clear

I can't even shed a tear.

There are days I love you so much I can't breathe

That, I don't cry because thats not what I do

But I find my eyes just kind of leak

For hours, just on and off

She's everything to me.

You say that you're with someone else

Every time I come near

Reject me every chance you get

And right now I don't care.

Every time I saw you, I wanted you

Opened up to you, I thought of you thoroughly.

You don't care about how I feel

You care about yourself and everyone else

Send you messages, express my feelings

This silence is so deep, it's tearing me.

How could you be so blind

I'm going out of my mind

I wonder if or when this world dies off

Comes to that sudden end

If I will see any of you again.

I feel I have suffered far too long

I don't care about this life, this family most of all

No one cares for me, no one

I don't believe you at all

When anyone says they care

How could you be so blind.

All I want, is rest

I want peace, I want death

Because I'm tired of living,

The suffering, for I am living

My mind, peacefully villainous

Normally, rarely always thinking of suicide

The endless sorrow.

How could you be so blind

I'm going out of my mind

Seems like my life has no ending

With all these emotions, I'm trapped with these feelings.

Blind

Mood: Depressed

Listening to: the rain

Sitting here, lonely

Inside of this small, white room

Looking out to the sky

Wondering, what am I gonna do

Turn on the radio

Listen to the words from my favorite songs

Making me wonder

Sometimes my life is based on what they say.

How could you be so blind

I'm going out of my mind

Inside I feel my heart and soul

It's telling me to run away

It's telling me to runaway

From everything that ruined my life

And that's making me go insane.

Why do you treat me

The way you always do

Wondering if you realize

That because of you, my life has changed

Im not the boy

Who you thought that I would be

This is the demon

You awoke inside of me.

How could you be so blind

I'm going out of my mind

Inside, I feel my heart and soul

Telling me to runaway

It's telling me to runaway

From everything around me

From everything that's killing me inside.

Sometimes I wonder

If I'm the perfect mistake

The one that stands

Outside of the picture

Since I'm the middle child

Should I runaway.

I know that if I should stay

Here all the bullshit that you say

If I should live this imprisoned life

Nothing is bound to change.

A Failure To Friendship

Mood: Rejected

Listening to: the wind

Don't fall in love with a friend

You're just heading for the heartbreak session

You could tell them what your heart feels

How they make it skip a beat

Tell them anything you want to

But it will only bring you to defeat

Trust me, I've been there many times

Rejected every minute I try to make it right

You refuse me but I'll wait

You're the only person I could find

There's no one else like you

Haven't found someone else of your kind

I understand if you want to just be friends

But it'll only break my heart.

We sit outside on the dirty ground

But there's more interesting things that we have found

Oh can you hear the sound

Its the calling of the broken hearted

The one's that walk around who feel departed

From what was life, what they have started

Don't fall in love with a friend

You're just heading for the heartbreak session

You could say the things that'll make them cry

It will make them wonder what makes you try

You refuse me but I'll wait

My heart tells me you're the one I'm looking for

It starts to pain me when I think of you

At times I don't know what to do

What Are Dreams And Memories

Mood: thoughtful
Listening to: My inner being

Dreams are faded memories
Memories are shattered Dreams
Dreams are something above
Memories are something below.

Dreams flow like the wind but
memories stop the wind
Dreams keep you falling while
memories prevent you from falling.

Dreams are sweet while
memories are sour
Dreams are "sometimes" false while
memories are real.

Dreams are loveliness but
memories are loneliness
Dreams go rotten while
memories stay fresh.

Dreams waste space while
memories are from the heart
While memories fade and
Dreams shatter...

A dream of you
In a world without you.

A Modest Introduction

Illusion, Isanity... or Intelligence: Pick One

The chair in which I'm sitting doesn't know it's an illusion, so supports my body anyway.
The sky doesn't know it's an illusion, and keeps on holding both stars and planets in some fixed relationships, even while we sleep. So we aren't holding them up while we sleep, are we?
In short, reality exists, because these things physically exist apart from which desire concerning their existence. They don't know that they are but figments of our imaginations, as if we were gods and thus smart enough to imagine all those things so well, even though we aren't, must be... our brains; for if we can imagine them so masterfully, we can sit on our imaginations: why is there so much trouble in the real world?

With all the bad in the world, how can a kind and loving God be almighty and ruling over it?

"The world is filled with wonderful opportunities, brilliantly disguised as intractable problems."

Human beings can only reach virtues by choosing with their free will, not to pursue vices. If a computer is programmed to always tell the truth, we wouldn't call it virtuous. Yet, truthfully, a computer never lies. To appreciate light, there must be darkness. To appreciate life, there must be death. We cannot learn unless we make some mistakes. That is... ...most of us.

Indeed, God does have absolute knowledge of all things and has power over all things and He does love human beings. The bad in the world should be seen, not as inherently bad but, rather as lessons for humanity for which it must learn and through which we appreciate the value of good things as and when we can than through our efforts.

All Nighters with Mana Khemia: Alchemists of Al-Revis

So much for school in reality. I love this game so much. I'm not all for Harry Potter so, alchemy in school... it rocks. There is more to it than magic. But, Alchemists of Al-Revis is capable of an all nighter. Just about every night I put my hands on this game, I'm up until 6 'o clock in the morning having a time with it.

I love how there are hundreds of items that seem infinite that you have to collect in order to synthesize them into other items... interesting and powerful at the most of it. ^^

Going to class can be a real ass bitter with the assignments you have to attend to but, going to detention for not completing them can be worst, and sometimes easy.

Eventhough I tend to play other games, I don't think I'm quite finished with this one, yet. I'm on chapter 8, on my way to becoming a senior. "in reality, i only made it to the 7th grade for mysterious reasons".

In short, I love how humorous this game is. There is never a dull moment but, just like any other game in the world, playing the game will piss you off, depending on what mistakes you have made. But, the music... in battle, with all thanks to my fav VG company Koei, it's awesome. Love the vocal soundtracks to this game as well, especially the intro. v^o^v

Movie clips in GazettE's Chizuru video!?

Remember the movie clips in the GazettE's Chizuru PV in 2006? Well, I just now realized what the movie was. It's a korean movie called A.P.T., of course, short for apartment. It is indeed a horror movie and I love it. But, the reason for the clips in the PV itself, were basically because this movie, aka, Apartment, was being released in Japan around that time of year. Who would've known... ?? O.O

So, if any of you don't know, here is a review of the movie itself:

Se-jin, a young woman who lives in an old apartment in a Seoul suburb, amuses herself by observing the windows of the apartments on the other side. One day, she notices that the lights of some of these apartments are turned off at the very same time. She begins to suspect that this pattern is somehow related to a series of mysterious deaths in the neighborhood. She becomes more and more deeply involved as she attempts to solve the mystery.

It starts off with a news report, talking to this dude with extremely long hair that, apparently never comes out of his apartment. And some other stuff I forgot thanks to the part where the main character, Se-jin, is inside of a subway station and is suddenly aware that she's being followed by, who she didn't know to be completely suicidal. So, the chick that was following her, sits onto the bench behind Se-jin with an mp3 player, and starts crying, listening to music that I find, sorrowful myself but, Se-jin looks back, and finds that of course, and then turns away, but when she looks back again, she finds this woman missing with her purse and mp3 player just sitting there, playing. When she turns back around to face the area where of course, the trains run, Se-jin is scared shitless by this woman who apparently was standing beside her, in silence.

So, they begin a conversation, and the woman says some craziness and leaps out in front of Se-jin, towards the tracks and in front of a train that sounded off of course of it's coming or whatever but, she does that grabs Se-jin, trying to take her with her. Se-jin grabs onto her, trying to pull her and this chick just started resisting, and when the train came... ... BAM!!!... ... instantly takes the psycho with it, leaving Se-jin in silent tears, tramatized at the police station.

If you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend it to the fullest. It's crazy and yet, Chizuru fits this entire movie well. Basically everything about the two fit.

The Haunting in Conneticut and the mysterious hours after it...

This is actually a great movie. I loved every minute of it. Watched it twice. Once at 9pm, and as it ended at 11, I waited through the credits and once 12 midnight hit, I really got settled in but, thanks to the popcorn, tortilla chips and ice cream, they caused me to doze off numerous times and permanently at 1 going on 2am, just finishing with the climax of the movie "the middle".

Call me crazy but, during both times I watched the movie, I saw, during the first round of movie viewing, an adult shadow-like figure walk towards the kitchen, and the second time, out of the kitchen. It wasn't a living being, I was the only one downstairs and my senses? i hear like a bat and have vision and senses like a cat. But my ears and big or pointy. I just know how to heighten my senses. But... after I dozed off, I woke up a little too early, like around 5am and saw that the television was off and the dvd player was still running. Once again, not a single human soul participated in this act. My idiot 28 year old sister and her idiot boyfriend never stay up passed 12 midnight.

My idiot sister, told me that her bathroom door opened by itself but, it was her boyfriends towel hanging upon the door that caused it. My situation remains a mystery but, things like this always happen to me. I know that some tv's have an automatic shut off type capability but this one doesn't. My 5 year old nephew, a year ago, saw the shadow of a little girl, standing by the door of the bedroom that myself, my oldest sister, her kids and my precious jewel, my niece, Callise, were all sleeping in.

We are always a pact when together but, I believe him that much. I know the supernatural and well, let's just say that I have tampered with witchcraft for quite a while but, lost that ability long ago as I nearly almost entered a realm I didn't belong during the meditation process I was attending to alone about 6 years ago, just nearly getting ready to levitate in the air and all that craziness but, as my eyes were closed, I begin to see flashes of light. Just flashing away and I could hear the sound of it too, like when you see lights flickering extremely fast but, in my case, it started slow and then began speeding up. I stopped with the whole process but, now that I think about it, I have connected with something that still remains unknown to me but, I have a pretty good idea.

Sleepless Night Part 1

Theme: BONNIE PINK - No One Like You

Unlike any other sleepless night, this one is quite different from the others. There is normally just too much on my mind but, at this time, a little more has been added in these thoughts and yet, I feel sleepy but, I can't... ...

First thought, the signing of a 60 day moving term "whatever its called". My idiot 28 year old sister had to sign a paper in order to get something done for 60 days to move out of this apartment but, management wanted to cause some problems and tell her that the notice for 30 days has already been looked at and can't change. Boy, did they pull a fast one. Yet, they are such liars. According to the time limit, there is too much furniture to be moved within 30 unless movers are called for assistance. Other than that, her idiot bf made stupid gestures and remarks LIKE an idiot trying to fix things but, my sis got pissed off even more than she was already and "called the world... ... by phone".

In my case, my mother of course, won't allow me to come back into her home coz she thinks that me and my step father will do nothing but argue everytime something doesn't feel, go, or seem right or whatever. I used to hate him but, I can't hold such a burden now that I'm getting older. Besides that, we don't even talk to each other that much. There is still tension between the two of us. I can feel it everytime we come close or just cross each others path.

Not to worry coz I might just go into the Police force. Screw the military, the police pay more. Speaking of it, I went to the police station today for info and got it of course, but before so, my idiot sister kept trying to criticize the way I speak. I never told her but, she makes me nervous when I'm talking to someone when she's around. I hate it when people do that. I'd rather speak the way I always do. I'm me, not anyone else, so I do what I do.

So, after we got back, we ate Lumpia and went on about our business though she was still pissed and ranting and raving all day about the first event and fussed at her bf for being a stupid idiot. I forgot about the whole police thing coz I was and still am nervous about it. So, I cleaned my sister's laptop which is technically mine since she has only used it once and I used it since forever, of all my music and transferred it all to my three mp3 players when I stumbled across some american rock bands, mainly Sevendust, Muse, Nonpoint, U2, Red, and I forgot the others. I listened to songs from Sevendust and instantly, I got that chill throughout my entire body and BAM!!! back to my depressed state, just that fast.

So, from that time, all I have been doing was thinking. Thinking thinking thinking...

Even when I played the ps2, I was thinking. So, I turned it off and started listening to more music. I left thr jrock and vk alone and wanted to give it a break so,Bonnie Pink was my first choice and Yuko Ando, my second.

I started by listening to a few songs from Bonnie's Heaven's Kitchen single and begin thinking some more and listening to the current song, the theme of this blog, I started thinking about how lonely I am and have been for the past 4 years without a soulmate. It really sucks not having someone to love and cherish like a soulmate and ever since my heart got shattered, it's been feeling like a stone and like there is a lump in my throat. I've done nothing but shed tears throught out the time my very being was damaged on the inside, even to this day. And because my precious jewel, my niece, Callise is now distant away and I have no one to talk to or have the best time with anymore. It seems like everyone is being either pushed or pulled away and for no reason and GOD is making me suffer. But, why, for too long and for what reason!?

So ends this sleepless night as I forget somethings to say. I know I have and I know what to say but can't find the right way to express or say it.

Off to dream world I go. I wonder what predictions my dreams will make this time.

VelsraW the Session Band

I have been meaning to post this earlier in time but...

If you have guessed it already, yes, VelBet and UnsraW have joined forces, but, this was only for December 17th, 2008 at Takadanobaba AREA Tokyo.

The session band consists of:

Vo. Yuzuki
Vo. Satoshi (now ex. UnsraW roadie and official guitarist of Para:noir)
Gu. Rei (UnsraW)
Gu. Takashi (ex. VeltBet)
Ba. Jun (UnsraW) - hopefully his departure from UnsraW is temporary until he fully recovers from this motorcycle accident
Dr. Ayuto (ex. KisNate, BLACK SHIP)

They played only VelBet and UnsraW songs like:

VelBet - Bunny
VelBet - Sakura chiru
UnsraW - SOCIAL FAKER
UnsraW - Warai oni

And yet, all while Yuuki was still recovering. :( but I'm so glad he has now. VelBet is a really cool band, I like their sound, though of course, I never went to Japan to see this but, I ran across the news about this and forgot to post it.

UnsraW's ex. roadie Satoshi actually sounds great as a vocalist.

XDDDDD

UnsraW's Comeback

Here to say that after a long awaited illness, with all thanks to Yuuki and his powerful growling and such, UnsraW is returning to activities after that long break and Yuuki's illness.

They're going to be holding to live concerts as like, a celebration for their revival at Takadanobaba AREA on the 22nd and 23rd of August.

I thought for sure that UnsraW was back together but, now we all have update on them.

"Thank you, Yuuki for such a long wait, no really. You needed to take it for us all, so we can hear those awesome vocals."

Hmm, what else is there to say... ... ...

Oh yea, lets hope that whatever the rest of the band mates were working on, and throughout their time being solo is something great and yet, coming soon for us all to hear.

I'm so excited that they're back in action. I almost pissed my pants.

XDDDD

Rejected by my own mother again for the millionth time. WHY DO I EVEN TRY!!!!!

It's useless and pointless. I knew the outcome from the start. I knew what was going to be said and what useless events weren't forgotten. I need a gigantic bucket of ice cream.

She doesn't understand that her own son is in dire need of support and well, he's seconds away from taking his own life and making no more mistakes to carry it out. I'm done trying. Everyone, tries so hard to convince that woman to take her son, me, back in but, whatever it is, she refuses.

Right about now, I need an endless count of hugs, but, not a shoulder to cry on. I'm shaking badly, and once again, I'm back to my aloof, sorrowful self. The one that inflicts pain amongst his very being. That writes disturbing, sad, sorrowful, depressing poems. I am the emo child I once was. I have been locked away for too long. Now, it's time I rid myself of this soul and say goodbye to everyone, this cruel loving world.

Why are parents so... so... soo EVIL!!!

So, I'm sitting down in my little area on my bed "the couch", playing Mana Khemia on the ps2 before and after I watched the movie PUSH on of course, dvd when a few hours later, my sister, the one I refer to as an idiot comes to me with news that she knows I'd get upset about.

Her and her idiot boyfriend are planning to move out of this place sometime soon or as early as possible and well, the place they're movinf to only has enough rooms for those two and her idotic demon children.

She told me that "mom said she isn't going to take you in". Well, I haven't heard that one before. She's so concerned about herself but won't let her own son, her oldest son back into her house, when in fact, she kicked me out for no apparent reason at all.

She really makes no sense to why I can't come back. I'm not even on my sister's lease and I'm living in her home. The home she welcomed me into. I really didn't want to come here but, my oldest and closest sister was living back in our hometown, philadelphia at the time.

I could go on about this whole thing all day, even for a week. My sister tells me that I'm going to have to convince her to let me back in but, I don't know where to start anymore. I've tried millions of times already and she still rejects me.

But it's alright that my brother is still there, and recieving her help 24/7. That's truly un called for and, yet, she's being an irresponsible parent. I need all the help I can and my idiot sister can't offer any. She has children of her own and my oldest sister, she can and is willing to offer help but, she lives on military base and well, the base she is on is extremely strict and I don't have military dependency status anymore.

If she lived on the base next to the one she stays at now, there wouldn't be any problems with me staying with her until I get myself straightened and back up on track.

Ahhhhhhhh!!!! WHY IS SHE SO CRUEL!!!!!

And yet, I'm the one that's extremely kind, charming, lovable, truly friendly and who the world is so attracted to. I guess she just doesn't seem to care about me at all.

Now I feel like crying and bursting into tears. Seriously! She and my heart breaker are the reasons why I'm so sorrowful. If I try mutilating myself again, this time I won't fail and finally, I can die in peace. Trust me, I've wanted to die for so long since those two ruined my life, it's crazy.

Please, what do you all think I should do? I'd really like some advice.